Monday, January 18, 2010

Tomorrow is the big day!

I'm headed to the college tomorrow to talk to a counselor ACK! I guess I will update you all or I guess I should say if anyone reads this....LOL Tomorrow!

Sunday, January 17, 2010

What an amazing morning :)

7:10 the alarm goes off Ugh I didn't want to get up so I like usual hit the alarm and off goes the beeping in my ear. I say "OK if I wake up at 7:30 I will get up to go to church." I go back to sleep only to wake up to Katie coming in, and telling me "Mom it's 7:33." She walks away, and I lay my head back down, and yawn and think I'm so tired I don't want to get up. I lay there and try and fall back to sleep but something kept keeping me awake. So I finally gave in and got up, got the kids up, and was ready and quite awake by 8:30 to leave. Walk into church and I just get this overwhelming feeling of good, I love that. We do our singing, prayer and then the topic of the day "being courageous" Oh man I truly believe something made sure I got to church today I needed to be reminded to just have faith. Then as we get into the car on the radio is playing "I can only imagine" by Mercy Me. This song is the song I chose to put in my dear friend Amy's memorial video I made of her this past Summer after she died suddenly of cancer. She was the one who told me to go back to school, that had faith in me that I could do it. She even offered to help me with my writing papers. I know in my heart that it was a sign from her, it was just all too much of a coincidence day for it not to be from someone watching me. I now know I can do this, I will be scared, I will be uncertain but all I have to do is have Faith. I really just needed to be reminded to push through my fear and do what I know is right, to do what God truly wants for me. I am headed with butterflies in my stomach but knowledge of knowing it is right. I am headed to the school on Tues, and I am talking to a counselor and finding out what I need to do to start school in Sept. I'm scared , I mean very very scared but I just need to be reminded that God is with me, and that with him I can do anything.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Really want a change!

I am thinking crazy I mean something that looks cute but that no one would ever expect of me not even me maybe! I'd love to change my hair, my clothes the way I wear my makeup ALL OF IT!!! I want to look in the mirror and not recognize what is looking back at me. I have always wanted to do this. I have always been worried about what others might think, would people still like me. I am not talking just every day changes like maybe my hair blue, or platinum with bright pink highlights! I want to wear tons of makeup, and crazy out there clothes. Yeah I am sure I wouldn't do it but i sure would love it. I want to cut my hair shorter too , maybe I was just meant to be born in a crazy cartoon. :)

Friday, January 15, 2010

Not sure what to say...

There hasn't been too much excitement in my life lately so not sure what to put. Jake turned 6 last Sat. he was and is so excited to be 6. How fast the kids grow up. I wish I could pause time and experience the kids more. I feel like I waste so much time with every day stuff, and never get to just be with the kids. We all seem to just get sucked into our own little worlds, and forget what is really important. I am embarrassed to admit that I more then probably anyone let other things be more important to me then family sometimes. My headaches, back aches sicknesses stop me from being with my kids. They stop me from being the mom and wife even just the person that I want to be. I look at other people and see what amazing parents they are and then i see myself, and think maybe being a SAHM was not really what I was meant to be. I know I have done my best, I guess I am just disappointed in what my best has been.
I am so grateful for all that God has given me, and I wish I knew how to show him my appreciation. Some may even say that it is so simple that I have to have faith, that I have to go to church, that I need to believe I am meant to be something greater. It's hard for me to believe that. To believe I was given these beautiful children for a reason. I worry about what they will become because of me. Will I be good enough for them? Will I be ruining them for their future? Is what I say going to make them believe in themselves or doubt themselves? How can i who doesn't even know she is, or believe in herself teach 4 children to do the opposite? I guess all I can do is learn from them, and hope that I am able to in turn teach them what I learn as well. Prayer, and the love of God will get me through this time I know I have to have faith. I have to have faith, I have to have faith!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010


Life has gotten away from me for a bit, and I guess I stopped working on myself. That is the sucky part the good part is I have a new year to become the person I wanted to be last year...LOL
I am unhappy once again with things in my life, and the really hard part is I don't have the motivation to change the things I know and want to change. From the outside looking in people probably think "wow, she has it pretty good." Yes, I do those things you see the 4 amazing kids, the awesome husband who loves me more then I could ever have hoped or dreamed for. The ability to stay home with my kids, and my husband allowing me to do whatever I dang please with out even a question about it. I have an amazingly helpful mother who loves my kids to pieces and would move the moon and the stars for them if she could. So yes, my life is amazing but.... Yes, there always seems to be a but. I am not happy not with my life necessarily it is all that I had hoped for maybe a few things missing but, I still have a long life ahead of me I hope. I am not happy with ME! I have let myself slip by the wayside and I have no idea how to find myself. I thought joining my local moms group years ago was the answer and it was for the time being. I was able to get out of the house, find friends and amazing friends at that. I just know there are parts of me that I used to love that are missing. The Moriah that used to do things on a whim. The Moriah who loved affection more then anything. The Moriah who well to put it bluntly was smart,put together, attractive and well damn it an awesome package that any guy was lucky to get...LOL.
When I go into Jake's class or even in the girls I feel like I have a purpose that I am appreciated needed, something more I feel a bit of the old Moriah in me. So I have decided that I will be attending school next year to start heading towards getting a degree to be a kindergarten teacher. This excites me, frightens me, makes me second guess myself a million times, and just I honestly don't know if I can do it. I guess this is where I will find the real strength within myself, or I will really learn my limitations. I guess I will never know until I really try. My fear is that I don't stick with things, I mean being married and having kids has been the longest I have stuck to anything. Well, and it is not like you can send the kids back or just leave when things get tough. So I have been living my life by fear, fear of not succeeding, fear of failing, fear of maybe even actually having the life I think I want. What if in the end I just realize that all the excuses I have been making up are just that excuses. That I have been wasting more then half a decade on being afraid of change, trying new things, of living. What if people don't like the real me, what if , what if, what if?