Life has gotten away from me for a bit, and I guess I stopped working on myself. That is the sucky part the good part is I have a new year to become the person I wanted to be last year...LOL
I am unhappy once again with things in my life, and the really hard part is I don't have the motivation to change the things I know and want to change. From the outside looking in people probably think "wow, she has it pretty good." Yes, I do those things you see the 4 amazing kids, the awesome husband who loves me more then I could ever have hoped or dreamed for. The ability to stay home with my kids, and my husband allowing me to do whatever I dang please with out even a question about it. I have an amazingly helpful mother who loves my kids to pieces and would move the moon and the stars for them if she could. So yes, my life is amazing but.... Yes, there always seems to be a but. I am not happy not with my life necessarily it is all that I had hoped for maybe a few things missing but, I still have a long life ahead of me I hope. I am not happy with ME! I have let myself slip by the wayside and I have no idea how to find myself. I thought joining my local moms group years ago was the answer and it was for the time being. I was able to get out of the house, find friends and amazing friends at that. I just know there are parts of me that I used to love that are missing. The Moriah that used to do things on a whim. The Moriah who loved affection more then anything. The Moriah who well to put it bluntly was smart,put together, attractive and well damn it an awesome package that any guy was lucky to get...LOL.
When I go into Jake's class or even in the girls I feel like I have a purpose that I am appreciated needed, something more I feel a bit of the old Moriah in me. So I have decided that I will be attending school next year to start heading towards getting a degree to be a kindergarten teacher. This excites me, frightens me, makes me second guess myself a million times, and just I honestly don't know if I can do it. I guess this is where I will find the real strength within myself, or I will really learn my limitations. I guess I will never know until I really try. My fear is that I don't stick with things, I mean being married and having kids has been the longest I have stuck to anything. Well, and it is not like you can send the kids back or just leave when things get tough. So I have been living my life by fear, fear of not succeeding, fear of failing, fear of maybe even actually having the life I think I want. What if in the end I just realize that all the excuses I have been making up are just that excuses. That I have been wasting more then half a decade on being afraid of change, trying new things, of living. What if people don't like the real me, what if , what if, what if?