Friday, January 15, 2010

Not sure what to say...

There hasn't been too much excitement in my life lately so not sure what to put. Jake turned 6 last Sat. he was and is so excited to be 6. How fast the kids grow up. I wish I could pause time and experience the kids more. I feel like I waste so much time with every day stuff, and never get to just be with the kids. We all seem to just get sucked into our own little worlds, and forget what is really important. I am embarrassed to admit that I more then probably anyone let other things be more important to me then family sometimes. My headaches, back aches sicknesses stop me from being with my kids. They stop me from being the mom and wife even just the person that I want to be. I look at other people and see what amazing parents they are and then i see myself, and think maybe being a SAHM was not really what I was meant to be. I know I have done my best, I guess I am just disappointed in what my best has been.
I am so grateful for all that God has given me, and I wish I knew how to show him my appreciation. Some may even say that it is so simple that I have to have faith, that I have to go to church, that I need to believe I am meant to be something greater. It's hard for me to believe that. To believe I was given these beautiful children for a reason. I worry about what they will become because of me. Will I be good enough for them? Will I be ruining them for their future? Is what I say going to make them believe in themselves or doubt themselves? How can i who doesn't even know she is, or believe in herself teach 4 children to do the opposite? I guess all I can do is learn from them, and hope that I am able to in turn teach them what I learn as well. Prayer, and the love of God will get me through this time I know I have to have faith. I have to have faith, I have to have faith!

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